Elyse tells the fairytale story of a magical princess date: Part II

A sad princess.

So, the court date finally rolled around three months later, and it happened to be a few days after Superstorm Sandy plowed through town and things in NYC were a little chaotic. In fact, the courthouse I was supposed to go to in Red Hook, an area that got hit pretty hard, was out of power. The morning of my court date, not really knowing what to do, I texted the only other person I knew in the same weird position I was in, Plugs.

We had not spoken since our date but the courthouse and local government in general was impossible to reach and I figured he would know what to do – his sister was a cop, after all.

He told me he had already gone to the courthouse. He said to just show up, sign a piece of paper proving you showed up, and they would assign you a new court date when the power came back on. I showed up, signed my name, told an officer why I was there, and he just laughed and said: “That will definitely be dismissed, don’t even count on getting a date in the mail.”

I never did. But my panicked texting reopened the flood gates between Plugs and I. He texted me up a storm that was *way more damaging for me that Sandy. Here is the juiciest part of our text-exchange. Keep in mind, I got this when I was sitting at my desk at work:

Me: So what’s new with you? 

Plugs: Not much. Working. My bday is Saturday, getting a new bike! Being a perv. Living the dream. 

Me: Happy birthday. Are you planning on being a perv with your new bike?

Plugs: Ha. No. But I have a few pervy ideas for my bday involving girls. Ha.

Me: Well, I hope you get your birthday wish. 

Plugs: Ha. Maybe you can be part of it. 

Me: Oh? I assumed you moved on. 

 Plugs: Well I had a nasty idea. But up to you. I figured we had a tough start. 

Me: Uh, yeah. 

Plugs: Something nasty. I shouldn’t even say :)

Me: What is it?

Plugs: I have a girl that I am fucking now. I want someone to watch me fuck her :) If I must admit. 

Me: Hmm. I think you need to find another girl.

Plugs: Ha. I was just saying…………….Told you I shouldn’t have said it. Ha.

 Me: Nah, that’s cool. Have fun fucking that girl! 

Plugs: I will :) Have fun showing strangers ur panties. 

Me: Oh, I will. 

Plugs: Oh, I’m sure you will. 

I just stopped. You know this was going to become a game of “Oh, no. I’m sure YOU will,”, “No, no, NO, I’m sure!!!” and then we would have ended up sexting and having little cyber babies and who wants cyber babies? I don’t need another device I have to charge every night.

*Side note: I’m from Miami where we take our hurricanes seriously. I know Breezy Point, Coney Island, Long Beach, and parts of Jersey got tore up, but, I was able to order a pizza in the middle of the storm in my neighborhood. A pizza! It blew my mind and my taste buds because that pizza was really good … unlike any encounter with Plugs. Ha.

Elyse tells the fairytale story of a magical princess date: Part I

According to Google: “a happy princess”

This happened over a year ago, but it’s a nightmarish story of online dating disasters – so, enjoy!:

We bounded over a mutual love of turkey sandwiches, the great outdoors, and Bea Arthur. Of course, this all started online. Then it turned into texting and two nights of long phone conversations. I actually liked him, I felt like we had a genuine connection, despite the fact that he had stretched lobes, which grosses me out because I’ve heard plugs make your ears smell like cheese.

We wanted our first date to be at a park, maybe the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens, but our schedules were always off. Then we thought it would be nice to meet up at Brooklyn Bridge Park. But, things never panned out. So, one night he ended up riding his bike to my apartment and we went to a bar called Camp. He was pretty high-energy. Sometimes when my roommate’s tiny Italian greyhound, Twiggy

Yo!

acts up, I say “tranquilo” to her (because she speaks Spanish) and she automatically calms the fuck down. I felt like saying “tranquilo” to this dude numerous times. But he was really good looking despite the plugs and having his entire right forearm tattooed black, no actual tattoos, just black, so I rode the wave.

Things were going okay until karaoke started. Cheesy 90s (think: lots of Soul Train) karaoke. So, because we have ears – stretched and un-stretched – we had to leave. We decided, utilizing our whiskey-infused logic that since I lived near a park and we originally wanted our first date to be at a park, it would be nice to go to a park and make-out in private.

He was a weird kisser. He liked to do a lot of tongue-twirling stuff. I took a break from all the tongue rolling and flashed him my panties playfully, because, well, I was drunk. Then two cops showed up.

Why were we in the park at night? Did we not see a very tiny sign on the wide-open gate that says you can’t be in this park past nightfall? Why was I wearing boy shorts when the dress I was wearing clearly called for a thong? We stood next to their patrol car for about 20 minutes getting super un-makeoutty as they checked to make sure I wasn’t a hooker doing a John in a park.

I spent my time standing there wishing I was at home watching an episode of “Firefly” on Netflix. He spent his time yelling at the cops about how his sister-in-law was a cop. We ended up getting citations complete with a court date. Here’s proof!:

Yay!

We walked back to my place, he got his bike, said he’d call, and left.

I ended up watching something on Netflix but it wasn’t “Firefly.” It didn’t seem right to get something I actually wanted that night. So I watched “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” instead and it was awful, which was perfect.