Elyse is shameless

So, for the past week I’ve had this reoccurring thought rolling through my mind: “I’m bored, I’m bored, I’m so fucking bored.”

And I know, it sounds really immature. Bratty even. But I am. I’m trying to be good, going to work, coming home from work, eating a healthy dinner, not drinking, going to the gym, writing, being cautious with my spending (i.e. I do nothing on the weekends) — all the things I need to do in order to move on with my life and become more successful personally, financially, and professionally, but fuck, I just want to go to a bar, get drunk, flirt with a random buy, and break some glass.

So, as I’ve said in my last post, I’m making a list of things to do every week to shake up the monotony of every day life. Something new every week, be it little or huge. This week I’m going to drink milk, dammit. It’s going to happen (with Oreos, to soften the blow) and it’s going to be epic. But before I do that, I feel like I need a warm up and last night, in an attempt to not write, I listened to the latest episode of This American Life about good guys and this thing called a “Good Guy Discount.” Basically a guy at NPR goes around asking people for a “good guy discount” when he buys things. Which, basically, is nothing more than just saying to vendors “Hey, I’m a good guy, you’re a good guy, is there any kind of discount you can give me?” And 25% of the time, the guy gets some kind of a discount.

Ben Calhoun decided to test this theory but felt kind of dirty about doing it. In fact, it took him almost an entire year to actually do the fieldwork for the story. And, I have to admit, although I’ve done some morally questionable things for a story, I totally relate with his frame of thought. Asking for a discount simply because you’re good is the opposite of good. It’s manipulative, and essentially not a nice thing to do.

An old friend of mine used to date a guy who used to do things like this all the time. And because he did these kinds of things, he was pretty wealthy. His theory was “What’s the worst someone can do? Say no? Big deal.” And sure, this kind of attitude shows an extreme amount of moxie, but this is also a guy who sold expired, Chinese machine guns to the U.S. military during the Bush administration and is now in jail. So, being sincerely good has its merits, I suppose.

But, a week from today is my birthday. And maybe it’s because when I chose the number “32” for a Super Bowl pool today at work and said “I chose 32 because I’m going to be 32 next week,” paused and then said “Ugh, that’s so gross” I feel a need to jump out of my skin a little bit. Do something not me. Or maybe it’s because I just learned how to play shuffle board last week, but when I found out that I lost out on getting free tickets to test out a new shuffle board place down the street from my house on my birthday, I tested out the “Nice Guy Discount,” in my own weird way with this email:

Subject: Yeah, I’m going to go there

 Hi,

I know this is far-fetched, but I got some moxie, so I’m going to try: I know you gave out free shuffle board tickets for January 22nd to Brooklyn Based subscribers (which I am) and you’re sold out but January 22nd is my birthday and I wanted to know if there was ANY way you could give out just two more free tickets and make my birthday extra special with a taco (tacos are better than cherries) on top.

Reasons why you should do this:

1) I live right down the street (438 Union St.) and I would probably come to your fine establishment all the time.
2) I’m from South Florida, shuffle board is in my bones the way Metamucil runs through my veins.
3) I was the 2863rd person to like you on Facebook, and everyone knows 2863 is a lucky number.
 4) *I smell like cinnamon.
5) It’s my birthday, dammit.
6) Please?

Love and kisses and Jennifer Lawrence (because everyone loves her too), 
Elyse Wanshel

Will it work? I figure I’ve got a 25% chance. But I know that I so have a 100% chance at eating at a badass place on my birthday c/o my best friend, which in my book is pretty sweet. Oh, and a 100% chance that I will turn 32, which, I guess is okay.

Better than being in jail.

* I know I’ve been saying I smell like cinnamon a lot lately, but it’s a lie. I really smell like bleach and raspberry body lotion, but cinnamon makes me giggle.


p.s. I just realized that I should’ve also mentioned that I share a birthday with DJ Jazzy Jeff. Lower my percentage to 20%.