Elyse watches ‘Bird on a Wire’

I just watched “Bird on a Wire” with Goldie Hawn and Mel Gibson like a virgin, for the very first time. Thoughts, in bullets, because there was a lot of shooting:

• It was totally gross to watch Kate Hudson make out with Mel Gibson. He’s like, her mother’s age.
• In 1990, playing air guitar was a cool character trait and floppy disks were high-tech devices used by the FBI. 
• How did Mel Gibson KNOW to have an overgrown mullet and the alias Billy Ray two years before “Achy-Breaky Heart” was released? This proves that Gibson has always had his finger on the pulse of culture, which totally explains why “The Beaver” was such a success. (Poor Jodie Foster). 
• It’s totally okay to kill police officers and FBI agents. And it’s totally okay to laugh and slap-flirt after doing so. 
• I’ve used the word “totally” five times already in the post. 
• They couldn’t have played Leonard Cohen’s version of “Bird on a Wire” at least once? 
•  If Mel Gibson was able to hotwire a motorcycle, why did he get all panicky when he thought Goldie Hawn lost the keys to her BMW? Inconsistencies! 
• Apparently you can drive a motorcycle with a bullet lodged in your butt.
• Vets are horny and totally sexy women, which is so unrealistic because who's ever heard of a female doctor?
• When you’re shown a skeleton of a piranha in a scene shot at a zoo not once, but twice, someone’s getting eaten alive by piranhas. And that someone’s going to be a real asshole. And that’s called foreshadowing. 
• Speaking of the zoo, the only animals they have in zoos are ones that eat you. 
• The only time you saw Asians in the film was when they were about to get hit in an alleyway during a car chase scene. Yet they never got hit. Instead, the rack of drying laundry they were toting got hit, or they kung fu-jumped upwards, out of the way, into a mass of hanging Chinese lanterns. And this happened twice. What does this mean? That Asians do a lot of laundry? Have ninja-like reflexes? Like tight spaces? Can’t drive and should be hit by cars? Next thing you’ll tell me is that they like rice. And everyone likes rice! 
• The film’s portrayal of gay people (poor Jodie Foster) is about as charming as Mel Gibson’s infamous rants about Jews (poor Goldie Hawn) and Russian Jacuzzi blow jobs. 
• Speaking of Russians, there was not ONE Russian in this film. Racist! 
• After Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn get into bed naked together and surprisingly have sex, Goldie Hawn talks about having a dream about just the two of them on a sail boat, away from everyone else. You’re telling me none of her teeth fell out, she didn’t fly, fart petunias, or eat the pancreatic cancer out of a Norwegian gnome named Wanda (gnomes can be woman too, misogynist) during this sail boat dream? Boring. 
• The final scene of the movie was Goldie Hawn and Mel Gibson on a sail boat at sunset making out. There were no repercussions from all the cops and FBI agents they killed, laughed, and slap-flirted about during the movie. The conclusion was totally shocking.